February 22, 2010

When it was me

Ha, Nobody fights anymore. I need to quit kidding myself. Its FINISHED, he deserves better. He needs better. I deserve crap. I deserve an asshole who WILL treat me like shit. He deserves the perfect girl. Perfection is not me, I'm imperfect,flawed, and broken down. I'm imperfect in the fact that mentally, I'm confused and moody, my imperfect body, face, and everything about me. I'm flawed because I have imperfections all over my skin, no amount of make up will hide it. And I'm broken down because I'm torn down to my last string. So while Miss.Perfect comes and sweeps him up, I'm fucked in the fact that I'll be kissing frogs forever, there is no real nice guys anymore in America. Considerably, there are a few, but keep in mind most of them are taken or gay. Boys are a dime in a dozen. Everybody in my life keeps saying."OH better will come your way Amanda, just wait. He'll show up." BULLFCKINGSHIT. Its not going to happen. If you read this or stumble upon this, understand that I am not bitter, I'm bitter at myself, but not at anything else. His happiness should come before mine, and I deserve to be like this. He deserves that perfect girl, with the perfect smile, skin, hair, personality, and brains. I deserve the boy that is going to hurt me again. I deserve that asshole guy that you know is horrible. Nothing else.  So heartbreak, here we come, I'm coming at you in full drive, 90 mph, straight into you waiting for a head-on collision. We'll see who makes it out without stitches. 

February 1, 2010


this makes me so happy that I live in Southern California. oh my gosh...
I seriously fell out of my chair when I read the line up!

So many things are running through my mind! Life itself is a crazy little nutshell right now. But I'm loving every minute of it because of the craziness. Its fun and its all good. I'm sitting back and enjoying the ride.